The Traditions Play
(as performed at Founders Day in Akron)

NARRATOR: Good afternoon friends. Today we are presenting the local version of the TRADITIONS PLAY. Our play tells the story of the Middletown USA Group. The Middletown Group is now about five years old. At first it had a very rapid growth and at one time had many members. For the past two years, however, it has been steadily declining and now there are only about eight or nine members left. The play opens with a special business meeting, which has been called to remedy this situation.
Now most groups new or old, from time to time, have had problems similar to Middletown’s. They have suffered from “Bleeding Deacons”, Politicians, Wanna Be Old Timers, and Old Timers, to name a few. However, since A. A. began, we have never been divided by a major controversial issue! When the chips are down, the group conscience with the support and guidance of the Twelve Traditions takes over.
And now, the play…

MONEYBAGS: Well, maybe her way is right, after all, she is the FOUNDER and she does know all about A.A. I never heard of any of this stuff before, but I sure know our Group is going to hell in a handbasket.

EAGER BEAVER: You’re right, we have to do something. I wish that POLITICIAN would hurry up and get here.

MONEYBAGS: Think for a minute. What if QUEEN ALCOHOLIC died? I’d have to take over. I’m next in seniority you know. Maybe I need to establish my authority ahead of time. Imagine the possibilities……… If I were KING of the FORREST…..

EAGER BEAVER: Wait a minute. That’s exactly the attitude I’m talking about. Now you’re doing it too.

(POLITICIAN ENTERS and sits in chair between the two.
POLITICIAN: Well how the hell is everybody doin’? Hope I’m not late. I was just playing a little cards with the boys down at the station…and………

EAGER BEAVER: (INTERUPTING) We don’t have time for that now, her ROYAL LOWNESS will be here any minute.
________________________

MONEYBAGS Hey, Slick! We’re just talking the situation over, it’s pretty grim. The EAGER BEAVER here may be onto something though. Tell him ALFIE.

EAGER BEAVER: When I was on vacation, I went to a meeting in BIGTOWN. They were talking about a lot of things I never heard of before and it started me thinking…

POLITICIAN: That could be dangerous!

M0NEYBAGS: Back off… continue, Alfie.

EAGER BEAVER: First they mentioned something about a G.S.R. That’s somebody who sort of gets information back and forth between the New York office and the Home Group. Then they said something about rotating officers. Well I kept my mouth shut, but they sure don’t do it the way we do.

MONEYBAGS: I don’t know what all that means, but it sounds kinda interesting. Good thing our EAGER BEAVER was listening. She sure got an earful… What else did you catch?    
______________________

   EAGER BEAVER: The group there has a group secretary and elected officers. They hold A.A. meetings in hospitals and prisons and other places for people who can’t come to meetings.
MONEYBAGS: Do you mean if they can’t get to the meeting, the meeting comes to them?
EAGER BEAVER: Well, sort of.
MONEYBAGS: (To POLITICIAN) Well look, Slick, I’m only the financial brains around here. You’re the POLITICIAN. What do you think about elections, and how could we hold one? How would we do it?
POLITICIAN: HAH! You and your money ought to be able to figure that one out! The question is, how are you going to handle the big gal?
MONEYBAGS: Don’t worry about that…. I’ll handle her. You tell me how to handle an election and we’ll get something done.
EAGER BEAVER: Yeah, we could start by having an election, whose going to tell the FOUNDER? I’d be afraid to! She’d throw me right out of A. A.
MONEYBAGS: Well I’m not afraid of her! In fact, I’ll tell her!
_______________________

EAGER BEAVER: Here’s your opportunity, cause here’s the Czarina, now!

FOUNDER: What’s going on here? I can’t be late, so you must have been early. Weren’t talking about Mama behind her back now, were you?
(Genially stands behind MONEYBAGS for a moment, then) Hey, what’s the big idea? You’re in my chair. Move it over Buster. Who said you could sit in my chair, anyway?

MONEYBAGS: I paid for it! Don’t see why I can’t sit in it once in a while… when you’re not here I mean.

 (MONEYBAGS moves to FOUNDER’S left and POLITICIAN and EAGER BEAVER each move over one. FOUNDER makes a production of getting seated)

FOUNDER: It’s my chair! After all, I am the FOUNDER, and I should have the biggest chair. Well, let’s get going… we have to get people back to this meeting again, real quick!

POLITICIAN: Why don’t you and the old MONEYBAGS pay’em to come?
__________________________

FOUNDER: Stop interrupting, I’ve got a lot of plans…. I know what they need, and everything’s all lined up! We’re going to have a T V program with O’Brien, Sheriff O’Brien that is, and I’m going to be interviewed About all the good we’ve done for people! I’ll tell ‘em how we’re going to get O’Brien’s backing, and I’ll mention some of the big shots in town who have been to our past meetings; like Banker Jones, and the Mayor’s cousin! And I’m making a deal with Judge Jay to sit on the bench with him… We can comb over the likely looking ones and then I’ll screen ‘em… If they look like the kind I want, I’ll accept their applications for AA  And the judge can sentence ‘em here!!

EAGER BEAVER: Can’t anyone be in A A, if they want to?

FOUNDER: Now now, little girl, you leave it to me! You’re too new to know about these things. I’ve been sober FIVE YEARS and I know what’s best. The rest of you have to be loyal to me… After all, I started… JUST A MINUTE!

(DELEGATE enters)
FOUNDER continues: Who are you and what do you want?
_________________________
 

DELEGATE: My name is Albert and I am an alcoholic and a member of A.A. from Pittsburgh. I happen to be the present delegate to GENERAL SERVICES and I’m driving back home from the Conference. I was just too exhausted to make it all the way home. I only got a couple of hours sleep during the week. Thought I'd stop for the night, and I saw your AA Bumper stickers, looked you up in the Directory and so, I thought I’d drop in to visit you.

EAGER BEAVER: (To MONEYBAGS) He sounds like those people did in BIGTOWN! Remember what I told you? (To DELEGATE) What’s a Conference?

POLITICIAN: What’s General Services?

MONEYBAGS: What Directory?

FOUNDER: (Pause…) Awww, don’t pay any mind to that stuff. It’s a lot of rules and regulations they have back in New York… Wouldn’t ever work in MIDDLETOWN… And we don’t need ‘em anyhow! (To DELEGATE) We have a great little group here. Yep! I started it, and ole MONEYBAGS is my right hand man! I’ve been sober about FIVE YEARS and I straightened him up about three years ago. Our EAGER BEAVER here’s been around a couple of years, but she’s still pretty wet behind the ears… Always getting ideas about changing things. My pal the POLITICIAN is a new addition, but he sure knows how to get things done around City Hall. He’s only been off the stuff for about ten months… by the way, Bub, how long you been in this outfit?
____________________________

DELEGATE: (Modestly) I’ve been sober fifteen years now, one day at a time.

FOUNDER: (startled) Fifteen Years!!!

EAGER BEAVER: (Reverently) Fifteen Years!!

MONEYBAGS: Fifteen Years?????

POLITICIAN: (Sarcastically) Hah! Maybe you’d better move over too and give him YOUR chair!

FOUNDER: (pause) (Loudly to MONEYBAGS) Move over, you! I’m going to give my chair to this old timer here.

MONEYBAGS: (To POLITICIAN) Move over, can’t you?
____________________________________

POLITICIAN: (To EAGER BEAVER) Can’t you? (Motioning her over as he rises to move)

(MONEYBAGS moves one place and FOUNDER takes chair he vacated)

FOUNDER: Here you are old-timer! Sit right down in MY chair, right here at the head of the table. Well, let’s get this show on the road. You’ve heard some of my plans about getting these people back.

EAGER BEAVER: That’s all she ever does…talks about what she’s going to do but she never does anything… And she won’t let anyone else try. She just holds on like flies to, well, you know what. She calls the group her garden.

POLITICIAN: We need to weed HER out! (Pause) She thinks that just because she’s the FOUNDER, and has more sobriety, that none of our ideas are any good! I’ve got some good ideas on how to run the group, but she’s going to make us wait until she DIES before I can put any of my ideas into effect! Anyway, if we had an election, I bet I’d win…been fixing those things around here for years.
___________________________________

MONEYBAGS: Now listen you! Show more respect for her in front of this old timer…

FOUNDER: That’s right! What a way to talk…And in front of a stranger too! After all I’ve done…Pulling people off bar stools, giving all my time and efforts, and all those trips to Chicago to find out how to operate.

MONEYBAGS: HUH! She tells these stories about making all these trips to Chicago to find out how A.A. works, but that wasn’t it at all! She was going up there, all right, but she was just playing footsies with the Program, and what’s more, she just couldn’t stay sober! SO, she came back down here…And when she talks about pulling people off barstools, she’s talking about me! BUT, if it hadn’t been for me, and MY money, she wouldn’t have a thing! I got her a job, started her in business, and when she says she started this group, she didn’t have any choice. She just couldn’t stay sober in Chicago and couldn’t stay sober here on her own…

EAGER BEAVER: (To DELEGATE) They just squabble all the time…They won’t tell you what’s wrong, but I will!! All our members are staying away, and some of them are getting drunk, ‘cause FOUNDER won’t let anyone but herself do anything.

FOUNDER: Now, now, little girl. I’ve got everything under control, and things are going to be different…
___________________________

DELEGATE: Just how do you run your meetings?

POLITICIAN: Just for laughs, tell him.

FOUNDER: Well, I sorta open the meeting by telling how I went to Chicago, and about what a tough time I had getting them all to come at first, then I tell them how I run my Group, and how I screen the new ones. Then MONEYBAGS tells them how much he’s done for the town by helping me run the Group. Then some of the others talk, and I end up with a real strong pitch.

POLITICIAN: That IS a laugh! Let me tell you how she really does it. She gets up and spouts off about how she founded the Group and has a right to run it her way. She keeps this up for about twenty-five minutes, and then her buddy gets up and tells us what a great guy HE is, and how much dough he puts out. Then he lets his gal take over again. She explains what MONEYBAGS has been talking about. Then old Joann tells us not to take a drink before the next meeting, tells us again what a great gal she is, and then closes the meeting. Ask the others, they’ll tell you the same thing. (To FOUNDER) Hey! And, what about all that money you’ve been getting for the Group… Those rich friends of yours in town, and the charity drives, tell the man about that.
_______________________

FOUNDER: Don’t worry about that… Got it all in my head.
POLITICIAN: You got the figures in your head… but where’s the loot? You got that up there too?
FOUNDER: (Pause) No! I mean, yes! Oh, shut up! …And listen to this old timer here.
POLITICIAN: You listen! That’ll be a switch.

DELEGATE: I just happen to have this pamphlet. It’s something we arrived at from the past experience of all the groups. You really should have a copy here. The General Service Conference, which I have just been to, is the guardian of our TRADITIONS, and is based upon UNITY, SERVICE, and RECOVERY. Our FIRST Tradition says our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon A.A. unity. The SECOND Tradition explains that there are no “bosses” in A.A. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. Nor should A.A., as such, ever be organized. It’s better to create committees directly responsible to the members.
_____________________________

EAGER BEAVER: What did I tell you? That’s what they said in BIGTOWN.

POLITICIAN: It’s just what I’ve been saying all along.

DELEGATE: By the way, how many groups do you have in Middletown?

MONEYBAGS: I can answer that one! Another bunch around here tried to start a group, a while back, but the way it was shaping up, I figured I’d have to put a stop to that kind of nonsense. We couldn’t have TWO Groups… They were getting as big as us, so… I had the police raid the joint where they were meeting; but they must have paid someone off, because they kept meeting. Some guy from Jersey had come here and thought he was pretty smart, and didn’t want to do it our way, so, when they didn’t get closed up, couldn’t find anything wrong, they said, I took matters into my own hands! I just bought the building, turned off the utilities, and put them out of business. After all (loudly) it was either them or us!!!
____________________________

EAGER BEAVER: You thought you were pretty smart, but I’d like to see another group here… We could visit back and forth, and exchange ideas, and help each other. You and the boss just don’t want any competition, that’s all.

DELEGATE: Our past experience proves that every group has a right to be self-governing, providing they don’t hurt some other group, or all of A.A. No group should have a right to interfere with another, as long as it is operating in accordance with the principles of A.A. (Tradition 4). The cover of our Directory clearly states that any two or more people, gathered together for sobriety, can call themselves an A. A. group, providing they are self supporting and have no other affiliations.

FOUNDER: Well, I dunno. It sounds okay, but it would never work here. These people depend on me, because they know I know the score.

POLITICIAN: (Aside to EAGER BEAVER) I almost didn’t come tonight… That MONEYBAGS was pretty nasty about that poker debt, and I’ve been trying to borrow the money. After all, it is an A. A. Poker debt, and I have to pay it.

DELEGATE (Curiously) May I ask what A. A. Poker is.
________________________________

FOUNDER: Oh, just a little idea I dreamed up. We were getting sort of tired of just sitting around listening to each other all the time, and some of the spouses were getting pretty jumpy about it. So, I decided that one meeting a month, we’d gather the families and have a potluck, and then the members would adjourn for a poker game, instead of a meeting. Just a friendly little no-limit game.

POLITICIAN: Friendly?!

EAGER BEAVER: Yeah, and she chases away new people who happen to show up if it’s poker night.

FOUNDER: We just tell ‘em to come back next week… What’s wrong with that?

DELEGATE: (Reads Tradition 5) “Each Group has but one primary purpose…To carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.” Without new members we would all die.

NEWCOMER: (Enters) Is this A.A.A.A?

FOUNDER: This is A. A., but right now we’re very busy in a meeting. Come back the day after tomorrow… That’s our next regular meeting night.

NEWCOMER: The Judge told me you people in this place could help me.
__________________________

EAGER BEAVER: (Looking sympathetically at NEWCOMER) We’d like to…..

POLITICIAN: Didn’t you hear the woman? We’re busy now!

MONEYBAGS: (To FOUNDER) Hey, wait a minute! Let’s show this old timer how we screen new people with your system.

FOUNDER: (To DELEGATE) Watch this. You’ll see how careful we are! At first, we had a lot of trouble with all kinds of people trying to get in. So, I set up a screening committee and made some rules. When the others didn’t agree with me, I screened THEM out!!! I review all applications, and we just keep the pure alkies…

POLITICIAN: Pure… WOW!!!

NEWCOMER: (Still standing) Are you sure this is the right place?

FOUNDER: (Producing long sheets of paper) I just happen to have one of our application forms with me. (To NEWCOMER) What’s your name?

NEWCOMER: My name is Jeremiah Blasik.

FOUNDER: How old are you?
____________________________

NEWCOMER: THIRTY-ONE

POLITICIAN: (Aside to MONEYBAGS) Not too rigorously honest, is he?

FOUNDER: Where do you work?

NEWCOMER: I just got fired… They said I was drinking on the job.

FOUNDER: What’s your religion?

NEWCOMER: Antagonistic

(All but DELEGATE shake their heads slowly)

FOUNDER: Well…I…I…I…I, I don’t know. We’ve never had much luck with these dangerously anti-social types. What is your political affiliation?

NEWCOMER: Huh?

FOUNDER: What is your political affil…. Oh, never mind! Who did you vote for in the last election?

NEWCOMER: Busch Beer…………… I mean George Bush.

POLITICIAN: (Aside to the audience) The only sane one in the bunch!
__________________________________

FOUNDER: (Continues questioning NEWCOMER) What’s your formal education?

NEWCOMER: I left school in the eighth grade.

FOUNDER: What school would that be?

NEWCOMER: Graybar Reformatory

FOUNDER: Tch! Tch! Tch! Were you ever in jail?

NEWCOMER: Sure, I just got out… That’s why the Judge sent me over here.

FOUNDER: Were you ever in on a morals offense?

NEWCOMER: Only for drinkin’ and I was framed. I only had two beers!

FOUNDER: (Obviously relieved at the last answer, resumes questioning) Been drinking today?

NEWCOMER: Only two beers, so help me.

FOUNDER: What’s the matter with you? Can’t you stay sober long enough to come down here and apply?

NEWCOMER: If I could stay sober, I’d have never come over here.

FOUNDER: Here, I’ll give you one of our Application Forms. Go over there, sit down, fill it out, and keep quiet. We’re busy.
___________________________

NEWCOMER: Can I ask a question?

FOUNDER: NO!!! Just go over there and sit down! You’re here to be seen and not heard. (To DELEGATE) What do you think of that? It’ll give you an idea how careful we are in our screening. Why, you could bring your wife, sister, or your maiden aunt here, and they’d NEVER find any riff-raff around.

POLITICIAN: Hey! Tell him about those two studs!

FOUNDER: (Defensively) What d’ya mean? I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re nuts!!

POLITICIAN: Oh yes you do… last winter when those two guys came….

FOUNDER: (Sheepishly) Oh, that? That was nothing. Ha! Ha!

POLITICIAN: Well, go on, tell him.
___________________________

FOUNDER: Oh, it wasn’t anything. One night last winter, a couple of guys tried to come in here, but I’m pretty hep, and I recognized their type right away. I knew something had to be done, so I just told them bluntly, they could not come in here and contaminate my group… So, I escorted them to the door.

POLITICIAN: (Loudly) Ha! Ha! TO the door and OUT the door, and we didn’t see HER again for three weeks. Ha! Ha!

FOUNDER: No wait… It wasn’t exactly like that… It was only two…(Blustering) Dammit! Why don’t you mind your own business?

POLITICIAN: Well, it certainly proved you knew your Thirteenth Step! Ha! Ha! Ha!

NEWCOMER: (Raises his hand) Ma’am?

MONEYBAGS: SHUT UP, you!

DELEGATE: (JUMPS… Thinks MONEYBAGS is talking to him) How many do you think have been eliminated from this group through your screening method?

FOUNDER: Oh, I’d say we managed to get rid of a couple of hundred in the last year or so.
______________________

DELEGATE: I wonder where they are now?

EAGER BEAVER: Well, I know two that were disqualified. They were both guys I went to school with… And now they are drunk!!

DELEGATE: You know, in the early days of A. A., this screening problem came up, and the members had to agree that even if a new prospect had problems other than with alcohol, or would not accept God right away, or was controversial; it was best for A. A. to accept all alcoholics. Many of these remained to become good A. A. members. That is why THE ONLY REQUIREMENT FOR MEMBERSHIP IS A DESIRE TO
STOP DRINKING. (Tradition 3)

FOUNDER: Maybe you’re right. We could try it and if it didn’t work we could always go back to screening them.

DELEGATE: Another thing, is your group self supporting?

MONEYBAGS: Self-supporting? What a joke! This gang wouldn’t support anything. I support them! Nobody else will. I own this building so I let ‘em have free rent… I own part of the café down the street, so I provide free refreshments… And my wife owns a furniture store, and I gave them all this furniture. I get money for this group from a lot of my friends, and I always put $20 in the basket after the meeting.
___________________________________

POLITICIAN: It isn’t the twenties I mind, it’s the way he WAVES them around before he FINALLY puts them in the collection… I still think we should move into the back room at The Club, and pay $2 a night. Then we could all chip in the way Alfie wants us to.

DELEGATE: You have a wonderful idea there…

POLITICIAN: Thanks

DELEGATE: It’s better for EVERY AA GROUP TO BE SELF SUPPORTING, DECLINING OUTSIDE CONTRIBUTIONS. That is our Tradition 7.

MONEYBAGS: Declining? Money? And what else? Yeah, right!!!

POLITICIAN: Hey! Let’s not louse up the deal with O’Brien to get him re-elected Sheriff, nor the deal with FOUNDER to go on T. V. with him to get money. We NEED O’Brien! He’s a big help to us.

MONEYBAGS: (Glowering at FOUNDER) Of all the dirty double-crosses I ever heard; you promised me the group would go along with my man Olsen, to get him elected instead of O’Brien! And I promised him we would. Olsen’s a coming man… He is going to be Governor someday, and I’ve promised to finance his campaign.

POLITICIAN: Baloney! O’Brien’s the best man, and I promised HIM the group would support HIM.
____________________________
 

FOUNDER: Yeah, I know O’Brien’s a good guy, but if MONEYBAGS thinks he can put over Olsen, maybe we ought to reconsider.

POLITICIAN: That’s a lousy trick!!! I’ve already promised O’Brien, and don’t forget, he also promised to set up the deal with old Doc… to change the name of the hospital to the AA Hospital, and to put us AAs in charge.

MONEYBAGS: Olsen can do that just as well as O’Brien.

POLITICIAN: O’Brien’s the one who can do us the most good.

MONEYBAGS: He isn’t! Olsen’s the one!

FOUNDER: Well, we certainly need the hospital in AAs name. I’m spending too much time and money running around screening prospects. Now, with a hospital, we could charge plenty to make some dough; and at the same time, Doc could get ‘em sobered up for us. He can give them a lot of tranquilizers to calm them down, and then I can screen them

EAGER BEAVER: What if they can’t afford the hospital?
________________________________

MONEYBAGS: I guess they’d have to do without the hospital; but this hospital deal’s a good one! All those things are tax-exempt. You know old Doc’s a drunk himself, and he knows how to handle them.

POLITICIAN: O’Brien’s the one who can pull it off.

MONEYBAGS: HE IS NOT!!! Olsen’s the one.

(FOUNDER senses the building anger and is prepared to intervene)

POLITICIAN: You want to go outside and make something of it? (Both begin to rise)

FOUNDER: NOW, NOW, YOU TWO!!! We have company, but if we do back Olsen and he gets to be Governor, he can do a lot for us…

POLITICIAN: (Gesturing at her) I always knew you were a rat!

MONEYBAGS: You’re a ratfink yourself! (Glaring at POLITICIAN)
___________________________________

EAGER BEAVER: (To DELEGATE) Isn’t this terrible? (To FOUNDER) That’s what’s the matter with this group. All this politics and stuff… That’s why the other Group started. You wanted them to vote for your man but they didn’t want to be involved with politics. Because you forced them, they started the other Group.

(Delegate appears to doze off)

POLITICIAN: O’Brien’s the best man for A. A.

MONEYBAGS: Olsen’s better!

FOUNDER: Maybe Olsen IS going to be Governor someday… Hmmm

NEWCOMER: (Raising his hand) Ma’am.

FOUNDER: Quiet!

(Together they release their pent up emotions)
POLITICIAN & MONEYBAGS: SHUT UP!!!
______________________________

DELEGATE: (Startled) Me?… Oh, You know, everything you are talking about is covered in the TRADITIONS. For instance, Tradition 7 says “we should be self supporting”, and Tradition 10 warns us to “stay out of politics and public controversy”. A hundred and fifty years ago, a society named the Washingtonians almost had an answer to alcoholism… Abraham Lincoln praised them and talked at their meeting; but they got involved in politics, fighting against slavery, making alcohol illegal, and so forth. They fought for so many causes, that they became DIVIDED between themselves and died. It’s fine to be a good citizen. However, politics have no place in AA, if we are to survive ourselves! And about this hospital, the early AAs tried that too, and many other things. They were even going to scoop up the derelicts on Skid Row, start AA Farms, run by AAs and finance them with the sale of AA books. We didn’t sell enough books, fortunately, so the idea fell through. Later, we learned we shouldn’t try to act like professionals, which we aren’t, and we should never be paid for our 12th step work. Also it is never advisable to “lend the AA name to any related facility or outside enterprise”. We should try to stick to our own business, which is carrying the message to the alcoholic who is still suffering. Any group funds, collected from members, should be used only for AA purposes, and should never be diverted to outside agencies. Other agencies do help the alcoholic, and while we do cooperate with them, AA should never go so far as affiliation or endorsement, actual or implied.
____________________________

NEWCOMER: (Raises hand) Ma’am?

FOUNDER, MONEYBAGS, POLITICIAN: (In unison) Shut Up!

MONEYBAGS: At least we can go through with our T. V. show (To DELEGATE) I own half the T. V. Station and I promised Olsen to put the Group on with him. That way, we can get in a plug for Olsen, and get recruits for the Group at the same time.

POLITICIAN: I want equal time for O’Brien.

EAGER BEAVER: Is that being anonymous? Suppose someone who needed help saw the show, and got scared off because they thought they’d have to go on T. V., if they joined A. A.

FOUNDER: You’ll understand these things better when you’ve been around as long as I have.

MONEYBAGS: I can’t see that it would do any harm, just this once. I can’t let Olsen down.

POLITICIAN: I can’t let O’Brien down.
________________________________

DELEGATE: (Opening a Pamphlet) Why don’t we see what it says about it here. Tradition 11 says, “ Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion”. You really don’t need a political TV show to attract new members. In fact, the Tradition says, “we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press radio and films”. You see, AA IS a spiritual program and Tradition 12 states that, “Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities”. Look, I have a thought. Why don’t I, or better yet the FOUNDER,  read our Traditions straight through, and see if applying them might not make a big change in the problems of your group. (Hands the pamphlet to the FOUNDER.

FOUNDER: (Reads Traditions aloud)
It sure does look like we’ve been making every mistake in the book. (to the others) Do we go along with the Delegate?

ALL: NOD AGREEMENT.
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FOUNDER: It sure does look like we’ve been making every mistake in the book. (To the others) Do we go along with the DELEGATE?

ALL: NOD AGREEMENT

MONEYBAGS: I’m for him 100% I’ll just write a check right now…

ALL (except DELEGATE) NO! NO! NO! We pay our own way remember?

POLITICIAN: I’m all for it! Just what I’ve been saying all along.

FOUNDER: I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll order some of these pamphlets right away. I’ll eliminate the screening committee, Myself that is, and we’ll have an election…

EAGER BEAVER: Good! I’ll nominate our Founder for our first elected leader. I certainly think our DELEGATE was guided here tonight by a Higher Power. I think we knew all along we were on the wrong track, but we didn’t know where we were wrong.
______________________________

DELEGATE: Actually, every one of our Traditions is based upon mistakes the early members of Alcoholics Anonymous made.

NEWCOMER: (Raises hand) Ma’am, please!


FOUNDER: And just to show my good faith, here’s this new man, this brand new man, sitting here all evening with a question. (To NEWCOMER) Stand up and ask your question, sweetheart.


NEWCOMER: I’ve only got one question… WHERE’S THE BATHROOM????
OH NO… too late!

ALL OH BROTHER! _

__________________________

NARRATOR: And so ends our story of the Middletown Group. We suspect that attendance went back up, and the Home Group became a more happy, joyous, and free functioning body. Most likely, NEWCOMER no longer asks for permission to go to the bathroom, and continued on to become the G. S. R. As for the rest of the group, well, FOUNDER became a strong advocate of the Traditions, and went on to become an elder stateswoman in the group. POLITICIAN has been elected State Senator, which uses up all his aspirations for politics. Now, he is free to be a greeter for the Group. MONEYBAGS, with his fine mathematical ability, was the Group’s treasurer for a year. After that time he gratefully rotated out of office, but makes it a point to remind his Group to use the suggested contribution plan. DELEGATE has since passed away, but is fondly remembered for his dedication to Alcoholics Anonymous. In honor of DELEGATE’S visit that night, the night that the Middletown Group was truly inspired, a candlelight gratitude meeting is held, and each member (with the help of the bell) has an opportunity to share what their sobriety means to them. And as for EAGER BEAVER, can’t you guess? She is the new DELEGATE for that Area. In her own words, “I owe it all to my Home Group. That’s where it all began for me. That’s where I learned to talk this fast!”